The Illusion of I’ll Be Happy When: False Beliefs That Guide Your Daily Decisions
Why we fall for the fallacy of arrival.
Is your happiness always in the future?
Your internal narrative might sound something like:
I’ll be happy when I get a new job, a more prestigious title, a raise, or a bonus.
I’ll be happy when I move into a new house, or to a new city.
I’ll be happy when my body looks different or I can fit into a particular jeans size.
Or, I’ll be happy when my partner changes or stops doing that annoying thing I despise.
But why do we tend to overrate the happiness of achieving future events and not simply enjoy the presence of today?
A Short Psychology Lesson
Harvard psychologist Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar explains in his book Happier: Can You Learn To Be Happy? the concept of the arrival fallacy as a widespread illusion that achieving a particular goal leads to happiness.
As a top-ranked squash player in his youth, Dr. Ben-Shahar would win a match and observe that his feelings of happiness were short-lived. There was undoubtedly a high in winning, yet the positive feelings quickly faded into pressure and stress. Emptiness ensued.
Accomplishing a goal just lead to a new target. New goals always appearing. Never feeling satisfied or fulfilled.
Any of this sound familiar?
From career success to monumental personal achievements, or milestones of marriage, buying a house, or even going on vacation, our ability to imagine how something will make us feel is often vastly inaccurate.
We continually rank future emotions and experiences higher than day-to-day activities. And while this may initially seem like healthy hopefulness, it leaves us constantly seeking and striving, lacking satisfaction in our present-day lives.
In simple terms, we overrate the happiness levels of future events. Psychologists call this impact bias, stating our affinity to overestimate our emotional reaction, duration, and intensity as a result of achieving a particular goal.
We have a tendency to exaggerate the impact of accomplishing a goal and significantly devalue how other, less impactful events influence our emotional state.
A Slightly Different Way to Think About It
My definition is a bit brasher. I call it future fucking.
No sexual innuendo intended. Future fucking is believing the lie I tell myself about achieving a particular goal. Convincing myself that when I perform, accomplish, achieve, and succeed, I will finally be happy. Then, in the far-off future, I will feel free.
Always in the future. Never in the now.
For example, after slogging away in a cubical for years, you get a promotion into your dream gig. You post it on LinkedIn, move into an office with a door, and get new business cards. You’re absolutely thrilled — for a few weeks.
You like your new role enough, but bigger career ambitions quickly arise, and you immediately presume that getting to the next level, to the bigger office with a more prestigious title, will provide even more happiness.
We chase the fantasy life of an imagined goal, not realizing how we’ve set ourselves up to never actually reach the finish line of achievement. With a faint murmur of discontent, the arrival fallacy promotes disappointment nearly every time.
A Bit More Context
I had a successful corporate career that spanned over two decades. I worked with whip-smart, driven people, had interesting projects, fun perks, and got paid pretty damn well.
And there was never a time when I wasn’t looking for another job. I was the poster child for I’ll be happy when.
I’d tell myself I’ll be happy when I work for a company whose mission aligns with my passions.
I’ll be happy when I can have a bigger budget and make a greater impact.
I’ll be happy when my title is longer and fancier or starts with an S or a C.
I’ll be happy when I can live in a city I love.
Meanwhile, my physical and mental health deteriorated, my most important relationships crumbled, and did I mention that I lived in nine states?
I sought happiness in the elusive future where life would be shiny and bright.
How to Avoid The Arrival Fallacy
When you achieve a goal, you likely get a jolt of happy hormones and endorphins, followed by underlying feelings of disappointment that your fantasy doesn’t match your current reality. The letdown may even push you to conjure bigger, brighter, sparklier dreams.
And yet, happiness can’t be predicated on just one facet of your life. Your relationships and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health all impact your mood.
I wanna challenge you to think about your goals with a less fantastical charge.
How can you have objectives of personal growth to put your energy toward and also stay present to the richness that resides in each breath?
Here are five strategies to consider.
1. Ditch The Illusion of I’ll Be Happy When
These expectations create tremendous pressure on yourself and your mental well-being, likely leaving you feeling a lackluster sense of discontent.
Especially if a person starts off unhappy and reaches for a goal as a cure, this can set them up for depression and feelings of hopelessness.
Be present. Enjoy the now. Stop and literally look around. Breathe.
Ask yourself, what’s really awesome in your life? And write it down. Don’t just think about it. Magic happens when we write it down.
An excellent exercise I practice and recommend to clients is to keep a gratitude journal. Simply write down a handful of things that you’re grateful for each day.
I use a two-dollar notebook that I keep on my nightstand. When I’m really in a funk, I do this practice in the morning and in the evening as positive bookends to my day.
2. Celebrate The Small Successes
Focusing on mini-wins promotes productivity and will make you feel happier along the way. This also alleviates the crippling pressure of the long-term goal — direct attention here to encourage feelings of motivation and contentment.
Personal growth is challenging and also very rewarding. Micro-goals are a great way to track our progress. Give yourself a gold star when you move the needle in the direction of your dreams, even if it’s just an inch.
3. Focus on The Journey, Not The Destination
What if you could shift your mindset and fixate on the process of achieving the goal? Make the journey as important as the result.
Don’t hold onto the fallacy that happiness will magically appear when the goal is achieved. Instead, relish in the process and experience the feelings that arise at each phase of the journey.
Make the training worth the work, let go of the outcome, and enjoy the ride.
4. Meaningful Relationships
Authentically connecting with others brings people more long-term happiness than any external success. Period.
Next time you’re in the trenches and your lizard brain tells you to go, do, plan, or achieve, take a pause and call a friend, go home to your family, or stop by a neighbor’s house to chat.
We’re a tribal species that feels awfully alone these days. Being in the presence of those we love alleviates many pains.
5. Get Help
If your internal banter consistently pushes your happiness into the future, please reach out for help. If the arrival fallacy has left you anxious or depressed, you’re not alone. Consider therapy, seeing a life coach or counselor.
I encourage you to unpack the feelings, mindset, and underlying causes with a well-informed professional.
Relying on happiness to come from outside yourself is a complete lie, not only in perspective to the arrival fallacy but to assigning a vital life component to any external projection.
I’ll be happy when is a false assumption that once you reach a goal, you’ll experience enduring happiness. That the pot of gold resides at the end of the rainbow.
Reclaim your personal agency, and don’t fall for the sham.
Simply put, happiness isn’t the destination after you achieve a goal. Happiness is inside you, as it has always been.
. . .
Rebecca Murauskas is a high-performance Life Coach. She helps people be free of stress and overwhelm, reclaim their purpose, and feel fulfilled. Rebecca and her husband, Adam, abandoned their careers and moved to Panamá in 2019 to pursue passions for helping people heal. Take the free Time Saver Quiz and find additional content at RebeccaMurauskas.com.