How I Designed My Soulmate

Finding love on the other side of healing

Photo by Ava Sol

The day I met the love of my life, I was not at my best.

I was in the midst of trauma — hazily walking around, teary-eyed, bumping into reality now and again.

My then-husband of nine years had moved out while I was on a work trip. I was reeling from the email he sent a few days later, stating his desire for a divorce.

At the recommendation of a therapist, I reluctantly walked into a recovery meeting. A man named Adam welcomed me with smiling eyes and a warm hug. Before I even sat down, I already felt a small sense of hope.

When I met Adam, I was busy trying to save both my marriage and my life. That took all my capacity.

Through recovery, I got to know him and his deepest challenges. I also got to witness his growth and ah-ha moments of grace.

When Adam shared in meetings, I perked up. I knew if I listened closely, he would teach me something. If I could set aside my pain for a few moments, I would be inspired.

We became fast friends, catching up or getting lunch after meetings with a handful of others. In these few hours, I felt seen and heard, and I wanted time to stretch out as long as possible.

Practicing Gratitude

A few months later, some friends and I decided to go to the hot springs just outside of town.

We chatted and laughed, enjoying the warm, relaxing water. During the conversation, Adam mentioned his nightly gratitude practice.

He described the rules and how they worked. Write down three things you’re grateful for and share them each night before bed. They had to be from that day and not repetitive.

Being new to mindfulness and spirituality, this seemed like a straightforward technique I could implement with relative ease. I was in.

From then on, every night before bed — no matter what time — I would jot down a handful of things I was grateful for and share them with my sisters and a few close friends, including Adam.

Some were simple. I’m grateful for my cat. And some were profound. I’m grateful for the breath that calms me and provides life.

I developed a habit. I wouldn’t go to bed without brushing my teeth, and I wouldn’t go to bed without reflecting on things I was grateful for and sharing them with my new tribe.

Adam became an accountability partner for my healing and growth. And I got to be a front-row witness to his spiritual journey as well.

Sharing our nightly gratitudes became one of the critical lifelines that helped me walk through the darkness of shame.

Choices

I got an offer to move to Dallas for work. The role included a raise, a bonus, and stocks. I wasn’t excited to relocate but saw the opportunity as a necessary step to secure my future.

Adam and I sat outside a restaurant, chatting about my looming decision.

He encouraged me to stay through sharing stories of his happiness on a shoestring budget. Moreover, he reminded me that I had numerous choices when I could only see one.

Nonetheless, my life was still upside down, and I was too scared to take chances. I hesitantly chose the certainty of a stable job and moved 1,400 miles away.

While living in Dallas, I went to weekly therapy, group therapy, found an uplifting pastor that spoke to my soul, and diligently worked my recovery program. I needed all the help I could get.

Adam and I stayed in touch through our nightly gratitudes and occasional phone calls. I felt his consistent presence regardless of my physical location.

My best friend visited a few months later, and Adam’s name came up. She point-blank asked, “What’s up with Adam?” Meaning, how do you feel about him?

I recall the moment, looking across the room at her quizzically. It had been over a year, and the healing from my divorce was just starting to sink in.

I ranted, “Adam? We’re just friends. I adore him. I trust him. I care for him deeply. He’s Adam. My soul-brother. My recovery partner. I can’t mess up our relationship by dating.”

“Do you hear yourself?” she retorted.

“I love him too much. No.” I quickly replied.

She looked at me as if to say, sister, that’s crazy talk, but OK. I’ll let you figure it out.

Fixing My Picker

A recovery conference was scheduled in Arizona for that fall. Adam, two other friends, and I decided to go.

We rented a condo, and I thought Adam and I could share a room — no big deal.

I texted him to see if he minded. He texted back, “Uh, we should have an adult conversation about this. How about tonight?”

He called that evening. After a bit of catching up, he said, “Have you looked in any mirrors lately? You’re scrumptious. Sleeping in the same bed may not be a wise decision.”

I felt my face flush with embarrassment. He was right. We were going to a recovery seminar, the last thing I wanted was to accidentally have a fling with one of my closest friends.

At the conference, Adam presented his workshop, “Fix Your Picker.”

The goal of his coaching is to recognize beliefs about love, relationships, and the patterns of picking intimate partners. The premise is that people pick mates with the same level of relationship skills, not above or below — equal.

I sat in the front row, listening intently, and filled out the six-page worksheet like my life depended on it.

I had done a great deal of healing work and recognized my old attraction to emotionally unavailable men. Since I, too, was previously emotionally unavailable, it made sense.

It was time to create a new vision for my future love.

Fate Steps In

A month later, I was in our hometown for another seminar.

Adam and I got a group together and went back to the hot springs, followed by dinner and ice cream. It was a fun evening of great conversations and laughter.

With Adam and our crew, I was my authentic self. No false intentions or pretending.

While I was in town, I asked Adam to present me with an anniversary token at the meeting where we initially met. I was excited to spend time with my tribe of spiritual seekers.

After the meeting, Adam gave me a card, a short story titled The Yoga of Love, and a rose quartz heart.

Forty people were around us as he paused, looking directly into my eyes, and said, “This is my heart. I’m giving it to you,” He placed the smooth rock into my hand and folded my fingers tight.

I remember hearing him clearly through the buzz of the room and looking up with childlike wonder. At that moment, my consciousness shifted, and I felt my entire body flood with warmth.

My flight back to Dallas was that afternoon. I had time for a quick lunch with our crew. As we walked out of the restaurant giving hugs and saying goodbye, I found myself asking Adam to take me to the airport.

Driving up to the terminal, fate stepped in.

I received a notification that my flight was delayed. We had an extra hour together, just the two of us.

There’s a lovely park near the airport that became the perfect spot to hang out. Walking around the park in the fall sunshine felt easy and light-hearted.

We reached a fountain and sat down. Adam said, “There’s no reason why we can’t snuggle up.” He sat behind me and put his arms around my shoulders. I simultaneously felt the weight of my body relax into his, and my heart began to beat faster.

We said goodbye with a strong, lingering hug, and I boarded the plane.

As I tried to process the sensations in my body, my mind swirled and grasped for an outlet. I got to my seat and immediately felt the urge to write.

I pulled out my gratitude journal and remembered that my Fix Your Picker worksheet was tucked in the back.

I pulled it out and re-read the 34 characteristics I had written meticulously describing my ideal partner.

As I ticked down the list, tears began to stream down my face.

This one is Adam. This one is Adam. This one. And this one too.

All 34 characteristics depicting my perfect mate — they all matched Adam.

When it is all finished, you will discover it was never random. ~ Unknown

In hindsight, I giggle. Everyone saw it coming before either of us.

When I did the work to heal and got clear on my wants and needs, the universe delivered.

Two years later, we were married in the same park where fate intervened.

. . .

Rebecca Murauskas is a Life Coach for professionals. She helps people be free of stress and overwhelm, reclaim their purpose, and feel fulfilled. Rebecca and her husband, Adam, abandoned their careers and moved to Panamá in 2019 to pursue passions for helping people heal. Take the free Time Saver Quiz and find additional content at RebeccaMurauskas.com.