4 Lessons From My First Marriage That Improve My Second
I know better, so I do better.
Photo by Adam Murauskas
Knowing what I know now, would I have done it differently? Not just yes, a resounding, Hell, yes!
In my first marriage, I had a season of intense emotional pull that quickly faded into a routine of comfort. I had a few years of technically being together while also maintaining a vast distance filled with discontent.
I didn’t trust myself or my partner. This was a red flag that I deliberately ignored.
I made mistakes — many mistakes. I was an emotionally unavailable, codependent, busy-a-holic, perfectionist, love addict who thought I could will a person into unconditionally loving me. Delusional, for sure.
I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually unhealthy, and in turn, I attracted an equally unhealthy partner. Two broken halves don’t make a whole.
Fortunately, the rearview mirror of life and love provides wisdom for a second chance. The gifts of knowledge, foresight, and discernment are unveiled after the trials of experience.
It’s like I finally read the directions.
Now I know how to do it better. I went through the ups and downs, learned lots of painful lessons, and felt my way through the darkness.
In my second marriage, after five years of therapy, 12-step recovery, and a commitment to holistic health, I’ve learned to practice a few critical aspects that add up to a playful, passionate marriage that overflows with love and kindness.
Communication
Communication may be the most underrated yet critically important characteristic of all relationships. Although it may feel like a standardized, vanilla word, communication sets the literal tone of a partnership.
In the past, it was hard for me to state my needs, ask for my wants, and share when I was upset.
I’ve learned that it’s my job to figure out what I need and want. Nobody else can dive into my soul and dig up my desires. That job can’t be delegated.
When I have a need, it’s up to me to share it. This sounds so basic, yet I repeatedly failed at this simple act in my previous relationships. I had no clue what I needed or wanted, but I expected my partner to understand how to meet these unspoken cravings.
It’s also my job to share my feelings. Whether I’m feeling happy, sad, or anywhere in between, it strengthens my relationship when I can verbalize how I feel.
For me, this is a continual learning process. For many years, I didn’t know what I was feeling. It’s taken using the tools of recovery, being present in the moment, and lots of closing my eyes while taking a few deep breaths to identify and share my feelings with my partner.
Even now, I still pull out a list of feelings when I’m challenged to articulate the emotions swirling in my body.
The point is I had to learn to get out of my head and into my heart. I had to trust that my partner loves me and wants to know what’s going on. And I have to be brave and share with him, not expecting him to read my mind or intuitively know my needs, wants, and emotional state.
Honesty
A foundational building block of all relationships is honesty. Through my previous marriage, I’ve learned that there are levels of this moral characteristic that either strengthen or blur the lines of truthfulness.
In our house, we practice willful honesty. This means we’re proactive and forthright with information that may harm each other or our relationship.
For example, I know that interaction with previous partners is not a preference my husband favors. He hasn’t encouraged a hard-fast rule. However, it’s his preference that we avoid interacting with former mates.
A few months ago, out of the blue, a previous boyfriend reached out via social media. He was inspired by a story I wrote and shared his thoughts and a question. I was surprised to see his name pop up. I replied, thanking him for reading my article, and answered his question.
In the past, I may have brushed this interaction off and kept it to myself. Why rock the boat? However, I’m aware this is a hot button for my husband. Instead of hiding the communication, I willfully shared it with him.
I had nothing to hide. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I also wanted to be straightforward — for my partner to know what occurred and allow us to move on.
Intentional honesty builds trust and sincerity, like making a deposit into our marriage bank for its richness to grow.
Let Go of the Details
For the majority of my life, I’ve battled perfectionism. I sought my worth outside of myself, and in turn, minute details that someone could judge me by were relevant in my eyes.
It’s ok to have preferences, but there’s also a limit to what’s reasonable. During my first marriage, I thought I was being helpful by sharing advice. I’m helping him be a better person, I justified.
The challenge was I had too many preferences that came across as rules and too many unsolicited opinions that overwhelmed my partner.
What I labeled as helpful was actually controlling. My partner didn’t need me to teach him how to triple-fold the towels. He was fully capable of doing laundry on his own.
I had to become willing to let go of the details — to stop nit-picking acts of kindness. I’ve learned to accept the gift of my husband’s time, energy, and willingness to participate and say thank you with a period at the end, not criticism or a critique.
My partner is his own person, not an extension of me. He has thoughts, experiences, and style that is often different from mine. It doesn’t make one of us right and the other wrong. It merely means there’s more than one way.
When I focus on the bigger picture of cultivating a safe, nurturing environment of love in our home, I can let go of the petty annoyances that clutter relationships.
Making Time for the Relationship
My marriage is strong because my husband and I make time to nurture it.
We treat our relationship like its own entity — as a third person in our house. There’s him, me, and our marriage. All three require time, attention, love, and nourishment.
Growing up as an only child, I crave time alone. When I need a break, I’ll go for a long hike or do an errand by myself. Lately, it’s a treat when I get a few hours at home alone.
When it comes to our marriage, what’s important isn’t just time together but quality time to connect, to feel seen, and heard.
The key is that we schedule it. It may seem contrived, yet the busyness of life gets in the way. Actions that aren’t in my schedule typically don’t occur — even with the best intentions.
If my husband and I agree on an activity or routine, it goes into our calendars. That doesn’t mean we’re rigid if occasional adjustments need to be made. It means we have consistency, and most often, we stick to our plan.
The grass is greener where you water it. ~ Neil Barringham
Tea Time
My husband and I quit our jobs a year ago and moved to Panama to live inexpensively while launching our coaching careers. To ensure we had a healthy outlet to process this massive shift, we decided to sit down twice a week to talk through the changes.
We call it Tea Time, as we usually have a hot cup of tea to help us settle into the space before we begin. This is our time to share our feelings and what’s on our minds — no phones or distractions.
It’s also a great time to work through any small resentments that may have built up. With a bit of separation from an annoyance, I can gut-check the reality of the offense and decide if it’s important enough to review or if I’m being hypercritical and may dismiss it.
Tea Time continues to be a fantastic tool for us to connect with consistency in an open-hearted, authentic manner.
Cooking Dinner
One of my favorite aspects of my marriage is that it’s a truly equal partnership. While each of us has our roles with specific tasks — my husband oversees the car, and I pay our bills — we share most day-to-day duties.
Having a routine of making dinner together has strengthened our relationship tremendously. It’s a fun, creative process of picking out recipes, the treasure hunt for ingredients (particularly in Panama), and coming together nightly to cook tasty meals.
I didn’t grow up in a household where I learned to cook, and food — especially fresh food — was scarce. It’s only been in the past three years that my relationship with food has transitioned into an emotionally healthy state.
All the credit goes to my husband. It was his idea to buy a handful of cookbooks and create a routine of cooking dinner together.
What previously felt like a chore is now another opportunity to connect, check in, and dance around the kitchen, listening to The Stones. Our meals are nutritious and delicious because they are made with love.
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. ~ Maya Angelou
Unwrapping the Gifts
There's a tremendous difference when I compare the gal who got married in 2007 to the reflection I see in the mirror today.
I got married the first time because I longed for validation and security. I didn’t have a strong sense of self and allowed the pressure of societal norms to define what I thought I wanted and needed.
Moreover, I wasn’t equipped to be a “good wife.” I had to go through mistakes, emptiness, and pain until a willingness to change became my only viable option.
Wisdom is inherent in a second chance.
As Maya Angelou said, I know better, so I do better. I can’t undo the trauma of my first marriage ending. However, I can use the experience to shape how I show up in my marriage today.
This gift reminds me to share my feelings, to practice willful honesty, not to sweat the small stuff, and to ensure we carve out quality time to invest in our relationship consistently.
Today, my marriage isn’t without occasional challenges. Perfection doesn’t exist. However, with a firm foundation on our house of love, when a difficulty arises, we’re armed with the tools necessary to overcome.
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Rebecca Murauskas is a Life Coach for professionals. She helps people be free of stress and overwhelm, reclaim their purpose, and feel fulfilled. Rebecca and her husband, Adam, abandoned their careers and moved to Panamá in 2019 to pursue passions for helping people heal. Take the free Time Saver Quiz and find additional content at RebeccaMurauskas.com.