Turning Down the Volume on My Anxiety
Learning to trust intuition
Photo by Caleb George on Unsplash
My compulsion is to control. If it is to be done, I am to do it.
I know how. Come on, everyone, follow along now.
Gold-star seeking is ever-present. It doesn’t matter the topic. My ego yearns to accomplish and win.
My tendency is to plan and incessantly do, often, until exhaustion.
It’s challenging for me to let go and allow events and happenings to occur without my management and manipulation.
Most often, I lack trust and faith. They evade me as I ponder the consequences of my inaction.
Where might I loosen my grip?
. . .
I’m in the future. It’s where I often reside.
Today is a stepping stone until the elusive then. Then, I will be happy. Then I will be free.
Desire, that bitch. She pushes me through today, past the insightful moments of now that are my only real possession.
In my logical mind, I am well aware that today, in this minute, in this breath, is where peace resides. Only here, only in the now.
And yet, my monkey mind pulls me forward, out of the extraordinary opportunity for the gift to be revealed. I think that’s why it’s called presence.
What if today, I loosen my grip on tomorrow? Allow the future to come as it may, on its own path, with its own intentions.
In my eyes, the line between control and complacency is thin — a narrow opening between determination and grace.
This is my greatest obstacle, my biggest teacher.
. . .
In my youth, it seemed that determination was all I had. I was determined to grow and be wise, get out of my small-minded town, and create a shiny new life. Again, in the future.
My determination, my strongest ally and most successful trait, offered pathways to achievement and financial stability that I never imagined.
It served me well until it didn’t.
The challenge is I struggle with moderation. I often lean too far in one particular facet of life or into rigid, all-or-nothing thinking.
Through recovery, I’ve learned about grace. Grace is the exact opposite of my first-blush tendencies. It’s more surrender and guidance than action-based techniques.
Grace arrives only when I am open and able to receive it. It quickly fades if I am busy being busy.
I find that when I stop and feel the feelings in my body — ground my feet to the floor, palms open in my lap — this is the portal to the potential of grace.
When I am still and able to quiet the mental chatter, this is where I find peace.
. . .
My dilemma is to find balance, that sweet spot of the calm in-between. To find the elusive pathway between control and complacency and stay present in the now.
My opportunity is to breathe and get comfortable with the discomfort, knowing it is here to teach me something. To gently nudge me out of my addiction to certainty and encourage me to grow.
I’m learning to pay attention to my intuition and listen, really listen. She’s a wise soul.
I can allow the so-called good and bad feelings their time to speak and absorb the wisdom they have to share.
The part that needs finesse is when to hold on and allow the whispers of intuition to marinate and when to let go and empower the feelings to flow through me without taking up residence and running the show.
What if today, I was present with my breath throughout the entirety of the day, not just in the stillness but amongst the swirling moments of quick decisions and fear?
How may I turn down the volume on my anxiety and allow sparks of grace to shine through?
Where might I loosen my grip?
. . .
Rebecca Murauskas is a Life Coach for professionals. She helps people be free of stress and overwhelm, reclaim their purpose, and feel fulfilled. Rebecca and her husband, Adam, abandoned their careers and moved to Panamá in 2019 to pursue passions for helping people heal. Take the free Time Saver Quiz and find additional content at RebeccaMurauskas.com.